Days 174, 175, 176~ The Last Three Days

The Last Three Days have been filled with nothing but distraction.  I know it shouldn't surprise me.  I have done a lousy job at putting on the full armor of God.  In fact lately, I am not sure I have put any armor at all on.  In fact I think it has rather been open season for the enemy... but only because I allowed it.  I hit rock bottom this morning...  The last couple of days I have been on a backslide.  It got really bad when I went on  a date this weekend and reverted to my old behavior patterns.  I didn't do anything all that terrible but I knew it wasn't honoring God or being obedient to Him.  I allowed myself to take my eyes off of God and look to some thing other than Him to satisfy me.  When I woke up this morning I had come to that realization and that is when the real fight began... The enemy loves to bring up our past and throw it in our faces.  He doesn't have any new material so that is all he has to use.  He reminded me of the person I used to be, a person I am not so proud of and he tried to convince me that that is who I still was.  I spent most of the day miserable... and exhausted.  In the middle of my pity party though, God spoke to my heart and He said to me, "I still love you."  Even though I didn't want to hear it, and couldn't listen to Him say it more than once, because I believed the lie that I didn't deserve His love.  His words started to break down that wall.  I skipped out on ministry team this morning using an early baby shower as an excuse. I had every intention of not praying with people tonight as well.  In fact I didn't even want to go to church tonight because my attitude stunk so bad.  I had even gone as far as thinking and speaking out that my old life was more fun than God's life and I think I might like that life back instead.  Fortunately, that wasn't an option. We had a mandatory ministry team meeting scheduled for right before service.  I sat in the back row and the whole time God was tugging at my heart, trying to get it through my thick skull that there was nothing I could do that would make Him not love me.  (I am not the sharpest tack in the box at times)  I, on the other hand, was looking for any excuse to get out of that room... I would have taken anything, really!  After it was over I had stepped out to find my daughter and her friend to make sure they made it where they were supposed to go.  I got caught in the foyer by my friend, she knows me so well and knew I was not right.  She asked me what was up, and of course the standard, "I'm fine." comes out of my mouth.  To which she replied, "No you're not, don't lie to me." Ouch! And then out it came... Everything that happened the resulting lies that I believed and every other tactic the enemy thought he could use to keep me from walking toward my destiny. JERK!  I think what got to me the most was how kind the Lord was despite how awful I was to Him.  I ignored Him, said I didn't want His will for me, and bordered on ditching Him altogether.  And yet, He still loved me?!?!?!?! After service I was going to book it out of there, but my mentor was not going to let that happen either.  One of the hardest things to do after a backslidden moment is to get back in there.  That is probably why so many people stay out of church when something happens.  She said, "Come on, we're going to pray for this lady."  She didn't give me an option, believe me I tried to bail.  She wouldn't let me and she made me lead it too! ( How awful, right?!?!?!)

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