Most people look at me and they think, 'Hey, she's outgoing!' They couldn't be more wrong. I know the very fact that I am writing all this stuff that happens to me and posting it on the Internet makes it appear that I am bold. It could not be farther from reality. This whole project has been a stepping out of my comfort zone and breaking out of the box. I am actually a pretty shy person and would even go as far as saying that I am largely an introvert. I know, no one would ever guess!
Anyway over the last few days I have could tell that God was trying to do something in me. I was feeling stretched spiritually and irritated, plagued with unexplained anxiety, and negative thoughts. I was completely in Jonah mode. A quick trip to Tarshish and just one Sunday off from church ought to fix it, right?!?!?! I had to repent for my bad attitude this weekend more times than I can count. After a long talk with my big brother last night I was finally calmed down and had some peace for the first time all day. I got up this morning all bright eyed, bushy-tailed and recommitted to do whatever it was that God wanted me to do today.
I got to church this morning and headed up to the room where the ministry team meets before service to pray. I was totally yielded and surrendered to Him. Completely lost in His presence. I knew that He was removing some of the walls I had built in my life to keep people from getting too close. It's not that I don't let people in, I am just selective about WHO. :o) Anyway, He was nicely removing some of those barriers, and I was OK with it.
The worship was amazing. Pastor's sermon was one of the best she'd ever given. At the end of service she had us come up and pray with people. God was moving so strongly that there were a lot of people who came up for ministry. The last woman I prayed with had a multitude of problems. One of the heads of the prayer team was free so I asked her if she would come and pray with me. As we began to pray, the prayer team leader asked if she could teach me something. I said yes. She told me to take the woman's hands and just begin to release the presence of God that was inside of me. As I did a wave of His presence just flooded out. It was stronger than anything I think I have ever felt. It came in waves several more times and the woman I was praying with fell on the floor.
God's presence was still so strong that I couldn't stand up anymore either and went down on my knees. At that moment I knew that He had broken through my wall. Not only did He touch her, but He changed me. I am completely ruined. That wall that I have used for safety for so many years was completely destroyed. I spent the first few hours or so trying to figure out how I was going to put it back together. I am beginning to realize that I don't want to put it back. God explained it to me like this: before I would let His spirit and His love trickle out of me, just enough to pray with someone and move on. This was the opening of the flood gate of Heaven. If I would continue to allow Him to flood through me it would bring His love to so many more.
What am I supposed to say to that? Pretty much, nothing but, 'Yes, God, I love You, God, Anything for You, God!' I am quickly reminded of those prayers I prayed as a baby Christian, 'God, let me see Your people the way that You see them. Let me love them like You love them God!' God hears and answers prayer. He is certainly teaching me how to walk out those "Big Girl" prayers I prayed. I am so grateful for His mercy and love especially when I feel like taking a trip to Tarshish. I am especially grateful that He keeps me from taking those trips most of the time and when He does let me take them they are very short trips!
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